


Avoiding the Gay Side of Pornhub

by FlowingRiverAshes



Category: Game Grumps, egobang - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Divorce, Drama, Egobang - Freeform, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Game Grumps - Freeform, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Smut, Nightmares, PTSD, YouTube, bisexual guys, blowjob, concerned Arin, depressed danny, gay as shit, i am shook, i am trash, kinda slow burn, lots of mentions of porn tho, mentions of past rape, mentions of self harm, semi-public, suzy is shook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-10 21:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13510143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlowingRiverAshes/pseuds/FlowingRiverAshes
Summary: Arin doesn't watch gay porn or love his wife, and Dan is the reason for both.Dan has a huge secret, and Arin has to help save him from himself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Angst and gay porn. That's basically it. Pls comment and tell me how I did!

"Arin, did you fart?"   
I sank a little bit lower into the couch and tried to hide the grin that was forming. "Uh, no?"   
Dan made a retching noise and launched himself over the back of the couch, coughing. "Liar! What the hell did you eat?"   
I heard a soft spraying noise and laughed, knowing he must have armed himself with the Fabreeze that had been sitting on one of the game shelves. On cue, I died in-game, and huffed a deep sigh of frustration. "I had Taco Bell. It doesn't smell that bad."   
Dan sat back down in the nest of blankets he'd made on his side of the couch and readjusted the mic. "It totally does smell that bad! I can barely breathe!"   
"That's because you sprayed the couch with scented chemicals and then sat in the middle of it," I snickered. "God DAMN it!" I slammed the controller down as I died yet again.   
"For all of you lovelies who can't smell this, it smells like rotten eggs and tuna," he told the audience.    
"Fuck this," I sighed, dying again.    
"Next time on Game Grumps, we'll have aired the room out," Dan announced, pausing the game by reaching across me and hitting the Start button. "And I'll figure out how to beat this level," I added, and we turned off the mics and paused the recording.   
Immediately, Dan stood up to open the door and get a fan. "Dude, that was not cool," he called from the other room. "Didn't we learn our lesson about gassing Jews?"   
We both burst out laughing. "Jesus, Dan, you're lucky the mics were off," I wheezed finally. He dragged in one of the box fans, still giggling at his own joke. "I'm sure somebody in the comments will say it."    
He plugged in the fan and turned it on before flopping down on the couch and stretching. My eyes caught on his stomach as his shirt rode up to expose the pale skin and lightly defined muscles. His arms raised above his head, bringing the shirt up even higher, and his head fell back, showing off the sharp jawline that fangirls raved about in the comments section all the time.   
I looked away as he went back to sitting normally. He wrapped himself up in one of the blankets on the couch and settled in, ready for another episode. I was reaching for the ON button on the mics when Ross knocked on the door and poked his head in.   
"Hey Ross!" Dan said cheerfully, throwing his head back again so that he could see his friend over the back of the couch. "What's up?"   
Ross wasn't smiling, and that was rare. "Arin, you said Suzy is sick today, right?"    
My head snapped up and I stared at him. This wasn't good. "Uh... yeah? Why?"    
"She called and asked me to have you come home. She doesn't sound sick, but it doesn't sound good either."   
Silence hung heavy in the air as I tried to imagine what the hell she would want me to come home for. Dan's eyes were on my face, watching carefully. "Go home, Arin. It must be important if she's calling Ross," he said finally. "We'll continue recording tomorrow."   
The problem was, I didn't want to go home.   
I'll be the first to admit that my marriage was pretty much in shambles. Suzy and I had grown so far apart that living with her, being married to her, felt like living with a roommate or a sister. Our fights were becoming more frequent and much more heated, to the point where she had stayed at a friend's place for a week so we could cool off.   
She didn't love me anymore, and anyone could see it. I felt the same, but had always been one to try and make things work. Especially since marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment.    
The ride home was very quiet, save for the soft booms of an incoming summer thunderstorm.    
I pulled in the driveway and sat there for a moment, staring up at the house. There was only one light on. Somewhere deep inside, I knew that something big was about to happen. My phone buzzed with a text from Dan.   
"Is everything okay?"   
I sighed and ran both hands through my hair. "I'm afraid to go inside," I responded.    
His reply was immediate, as usual, something I'd always appreciated. "You've got this, big cat."   
I smiled a little. He only called me that when I was really upset or when he was tired and feeling particularly fond. I set my phone down on the seat, took a deep breath, and got out of the car. Almost instantly I was drenched from the heavy downpour.   
Walking into the house, the first thing I noticed was that there were suitcases piled up in the hallway. It felt like there was a rock in my gut.   
Suzy was sitting at the dining room table, absently flicking through her phone, two stacks of paper in front of her.    
"Hey, Suzy," I said quietly from the door, making her jump. "I came back as fast as I could. Is everything okay?"   
I felt stupid just asking that question. Judging from the suitcases and the tear tracks in her makeup, everything was not okay.   
She motioned for me to sit down, and I did, heart pounding in my chest. "Arin... we have to talk."   
"About what?" I asked, eyeing the stacks of paper curiously.   
"How long have you been cheating on me with Dan?"   
The entire world spun to a halt and I stared at her, wide eyed and with my jaw on the table. "I... what?"   
"You heard me. How long?" Her voice was shaking, but her eyes were determined.    
I'd never lie to Suzy, and everybody knew it. But I'd be damned if I had any idea what she was talking about. "I'm not cheating on you, Suze, especially not with Dan," I finally managed to say.   
She picked up one of the stacks of paper and started rifling through it like a teacher with bad test grades. I was terrified. "You are cheating on me with him, and I'll prove it right now," she replied coldly. She began reading off texts that we'd sent, conversations we'd had between the two of us. She had pictures of the many times one of us had fallen asleep during or after a Grumps session, cuddling together for comfort.   
"If you're not cheating on me, then why don't you tell me you love me anymore? Huh? You know, the three little words that you say to him every five minutes?"    
I opened my mouth to defend myself and realized that, in a twisted way, she was right. Dan and I might not have had a real romantic relationship, but I treated him more like a spouse than I did my own wife.   
"Suzy, I know what it looks like. But Dan and I are nothing but good friends," I told her seriously. She sighed.   
"Y'know, Arin, you're a terrible liar. I gave you the chance to tell the truth and fix this, and you didn't. So now it's Plan B."   
She handed me the second stack of papers and I flipped through them, shocked. "I had these drawn up a week ago. You can keep everything, I don't want any of it other than what I've packed up in the car and the cases in the hall. I'm going to the city to live with a friend for a while."   
I was too shell shocked to say anything, finally reaching the envelope at the bottom of the stack that read "Divorce." She swiped at her cheeks and stood up. "I hope you're happy with him, Arin. I really hope you are."    
I just sat there, staring, as she took her suitcases out to the car. She came back in, soaking wet, and we stared at each other for a second. She smiled faintly, soaked to the skin, and reached over to place something on the table. "Goodbye, husband," she said quietly, and left. I watched her car leave the driveway, feeling simultaneously devastated and ecstatic.    
I glanced at the table and couldn't help my smile. She had put her key to the house on a keychain that I'd given her, and dangling from it was her wedding ring.  


	2. Chapter 2

I sat there for a while, processing what had happened. To my own surprise and mild disgust, I wasn't sad or angry. I wasn't even mildly upset. I felt at peace for the first time in several months.  
I snapped back to reality to find that over two hours had passed and the rain had slowed to a drizzle. I patted my pockets, searching for my phone, only to remember that I'd left it sitting in the car. I went out and got it, enjoying the cool, fresh evening air. I had four missed texts from Dan.  
"How are things going?"  
"Arin? Are you okay?"   
"You never ignore my texts, is everything okay with Suzy? Please answer."   
The last text was from five minutes earlier, and it just read "On my way."  
Fuck. I wasn't sure that I could face him right then, having been accused of cheating on my wife with him and having my feelings for him dragged out into the open like that. I'd never really acknowledged how I felt about him, because I knew that he was straight and I was married and nothing I could say would change either of those.   
Besides, I was straight too. I loved women and everything about them. But Dan Avidan had gotten under my skin.   
As I was standing there thinking, another car pulled into my driveway and Dan hopped out, thanking Ross as he did.   
"Arin, are you okay?" He asked worriedly as Ross pulled out and drove away.   
I didn't answer for a moment, just looked at him. He was beautiful. "Yeah, I guess," I said finally. He waited, arms crossed, chocolate curls slowly flattening from the gentle downpour. "Suzy left."   
His eyebrows went up. "What do you mean, she left?"   
"I mean, she left. She's gone, she's not coming back. She served me with divorce papers and left me her wedding ring. She left." Saying it out loud made it real, somehow, and I suddenly felt the weight of crushing loneliness. Maybe I had stopped loving her, but the prospect of being alone wasn't something I wanted to think about.   
Dan ran both hands through his hair, eyes wide, unable to say much of anything. "I... damn, dude. I'm sorry. Did she say why she was leaving?"   
I opened my mouth and then shut it again. I really didn't want to tell him that it was because of him. "Well, uh... here, let's go inside, you're getting soaked."   
We got inside and he shook his head vigorously, like a dog, spraying me with water. "Damn it Dan," I chuckled, wiping off my face. He gave me one of his patented mischievous grins, one that made me look away so that I wouldn't get caught staring.   
"She accused me of cheating on her," I said with a sigh, once we were sat down at the kitchen table with coffee. He choked on his sip, dribbling liquid down his front as he coughed. I handed him a napkin and he did his best to clean himself up, still coughing.   
"She what?" He asked finally, staring at me.   
"She gave me a whole stack of evidence," I said, handing him the stack of papers that she'd left on the table. He looked at the first page and then looked back up at me, eyes huge.   
"She thinks you're cheating on her with ME?"   
I nodded and let him flip through the rest of the stack. I was more nervous letting him do that than I'd been while Suzy was presenting it to me. He stared hard at the last page, and I got the distinct vibe that he didn't really want to look at me.   
"I... I have no idea what to say to this. What did YOU say to this?" he asked after a while, putting the stack back on the table and finally meeting my eyes.   
"I told her that we're really good friends, and nothing more, but she didn't believe me. And looking at that, I wouldn't believe me either," I replied honestly, taking a swig of my now-cold coffee. "She asked me to tell her, if I wasn't cheating, why I tell you 'I love you' on a constant basis and haven't said it to her in months."  
The kitchen was silent for a little while, both of us just soaking in the moment.  
Finally, Dan broke the silence with a voice so quiet I could barely hear it. "Why DO you tell me you love me all the time?"  
Now there was a baited question.  
I hesitated and considered my options. Option one, I could confess that I had some sort of weird attraction to him, and he would leave Game Grumps and me and go back home where I wouldn't be around him all the time. Option two, I could lie and tell him something else, and have to live with my secret for as long as it took to go away.  
Guess which one I picked?  
"You're my best friend, Dan. I say it because I mean it."  
Okay, so maybe I went with option three, which was to do both and hope he misunderstood it. Judging by his face, he might have taken the olive branch.  
"So... what are you going to do now that she's gone?"  
Fuck. The one thing I hadn't wanted to think about.  
"I'm gonna sleep in the Grump Space for a while. I'll get more work done and figure out what to do once I figure out what happened," I decided, finishing my coffee with a wince. He blinked at me, lost in thought.   
"Come stay with Barry and I," he said suddenly. If I'd had anything in my mouth, I probably would have choked.  
"No, dude," I replied, "that would totally cramp you guys up. I'm fine with sleeping on the game couch until I figure shit out."  
He shrugged. "Okay man, suit yourself. But you know the offer is always open."  
"I know. Thank you, Dan. It really means a lot to me."


	3. Chapter 3

As it turns out, the game couch is way easier to sit and play games on than to sleep on. I tossed and turned all night, wrapped in a blanket that smelled too much like Dan, head full of restless dreams involving chocolate curls and a sinful mouth. I snapped awake when the door opened, feeling confused and more than a little gross. It was Dan, freshly shaven and bearing two steaming mugs of coffee. "Rise and shine, big cat," he said cheerfully, setting one mug on the coffee table and patting my legs to make me move.   
"Hnnnng," I groaned, burying my face in the pillow and dragging the blanket over my head. Something warm and heavy settled down first on my legs, then across my back. Was he... laying on me? I peeked out a bit and came face to face with a pair of warm brown eyes and matching curls. He was, indeed, flopped over me like a large blanket.   
"What are you doing?" I muttered, still partially asleep. He grinned.   
"I'm waking you up to play rage-inducing video games and eat breakfast."  
I thought about it for a minute. "Can I take a raincheck?"  
As a response, he adjusted himself to wrap his long arms around my waist and settle his head into the middle of my back. I froze, unsure of what to do. So, naturally, my mouth took over.  
"It's warmer under the covers, you know. Comfier too."  
He laughed, reminding me of sunshine, and nuzzled his head deeper into my back. "Nah, you make a good pillow. But seriously, you should probably get up. We have Guest Grumps today, remember?"  
Shit.  
I had, in fact, completely forgotten that.  
"Then you need to get off me so I can take a shower," I told him. He whined a little in protest. "Dan, how do you expect me to get up for this if you're attached to my back?" I asked, amused. He didn't answer, just heaved a sigh and sat up, promptly crushing my legs with his bony ass and making me yelp. I sat up and ran a hand through the rats nest that was my hair, knowing that I looked like complete shit.   
He handed me one of the mugs on the table and I downed it in just a couple swallows, not giving a shit about the heat. He watched me chug it, a look of concerned amusement on his face.  
"Is this how you pump yourself up for guests?" he chuckled as I got up and haphazardly tossed the blankets into the corner.   
"It is today," I replied. I excused myself and took a shower, clearing the previous night's dreams out of my head. I felt better, less confused than I had at my house the day before.   
When I got out, I found a fresh pair of jeans and a Game Grumps t-shirt on the counter. Dan had probably come in and put them there. By the time I was dressed, our guest had already arrived, and I lost track of time in prepping the equipment and spending a solid two hours recording. When they left, it was just Dan and I left to record what we should have the day before.  
"Hello everybody, welcome back to Game Grumps!" Dan said cheerfully, wrapped in the blanket I'd slept in. "The room no longer smells like death, and Arin's taken a look at the walkthrough, so we're all set!"  
I died almost immediately, distracted by the sneaky leg poking out from the blanket that had made its way over to rest across my lap. What had gotten into him today? He kept the conversation flowing smoothly until, after I'd beat the level and moved on to the next, he randomly turned to me and said, "Hey Arin, random question, but how often do you watch gay porn?"  
I choked on the mouthful of water I'd taken and spewed it everywhere, making me pause to clean up while he giggled like a maniac. "Jesus, Dan, something on your mind?" I asked, sitting back down.  
He grinned. "Nah, just a random passing thought that I probably shouldn't have said out loud. You don't have to answer if you don't want to." I glanced over at him and had to look away almost immediately. His head was tilted back and he was resting it in his hand, looking down at me through thick lashes. Mother fucker.  
"I watched it twice. The first one was fine, that was the gay brothers one I talked about a while ago," I replied, squinting at a particularly evil part of the level. "What the FUCK, dude? This game makes no sense!"  
He waited patiently.  
"The second time was the last. One of the actors looked like somebody that I love dearly, and I've never watched another one." I wasn't kidding. I never did watch another one. I watched that particular one over and over again, watching a man who never showed his face give a very enthusiastic blowjob to a muscular brunet. I would never forget the thick head of curls or the deep noises that sounded just like Dan's from the man giving the blowjob.  
He blinked at me with wide eyes and then started to laugh. "Oh god, don't tell me he looked like your dad. I'd jump off a bridge and never watch porn again if it were mine."  
I busted out laughing and tried to erase the mental image of Avi in a gay porno. Just the thought made me want to puke.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am real trash  
> Smut is in the next update I promise

We finished the episode and paused for a minute because my Thai food was here and Dan needed to reply to a couple texts he'd missed.

Now, before I tell you what happened next, I need to make sure that you know that I was completely and utterly clueless as to what was going on. 

As soon as we finished the intro to the next episode, Dan turned to me with the predatory look that always simultaneously turned me on and freaked me out. "Hey, Arin?"

"Yeah?" I replied, doing my best to concentrate on the level.

"Remember what we talked about last episode?"

"Uh, yeah? That's not something you forget in the span of ten minutes. Why?"

"I have a confession to make," he responded, grinning widely from ear to ear the way he did when he knew he was about to do something incredibly rude.

"Go on," I said, trying not to look at him.

"When I was broke a couple years back, before Game Grumps, I had to do some questionable stuff for money to survive." His tone was completely serious, so I paused the game and looked at him. He definitely wasn't kidding.

"Okay...?"

"I did two gay pornos, a thousand a piece."

Silence dropped like a bomb in the grump space. From behind the window, I heard Barry curse and throw something. "I... uh... what?" Real articulate, Arin.

He nodded calmly. "Yep. I'm not too proud of it, but I did it."

My mind immediately flashed back to the porno I'd been thinking of, the full head of hair and sinful noises... and not showing his face. 

Fuck.

"Damn, dude. I'm sorry you got that broke," I said after a few seconds of silence, turning the game back on because I desperately needed the distraction. 

"Me too, bro. It's not as fun as you'd think it would be. They make you do it at least three times so they know they have the best shots possible. It's exhausting," he said with a shrug.

My brain was very quickly shutting down thinking about that subject. 

"Uh, why did you bring this up in the first place?" I asked, crossing my legs so that my increasing discomfort would be better hidden.

In response, Dan fished a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me. I unfolded it during a cut scene and almost died right then and there. It was the last page of the stack of evidence Suzy had against me: a list of how many times I'd watched that porno.

Then it hit me. "That was YOURS?????" I asked, almost screeching. He winked and my character died. How fitting. 

"Okay, Jesus, next time on Game Grumps," I said, slamming my controller down and leaving the room. 

I heard Dan tell Barry to scrap the episode and Barry's grateful response, but my brain was pretty much shut down at that point. How did Dan expect me to react to that? What was he hoping to get out of telling me that I'd been jerking off to him for almost a year?

"Arin?" Dan called. I didn't respond, standing in front of the fridge as if it could tell me the secrets of the universe. "Big cat?" he asked quietly from the doorway. The way he said my pet name made me melt, and I looked over at him. He was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed, head against the wood, watching me.

As usual, I was struck by how goddamn beautiful he was. My heart twisted sharply in my chest, a sensation that I hadn't felt since my wedding day.

Shit.

"What is it, Dan?" I said finally. To my surprise, he hadn't gotten uncomfortable with my gaze, instead returning it with a little smile.

"Are you upset with me?" he asked. 

"No, why would I be?" I grabbed a water bottle for him and a Red Bull for me and carefully moved past him into the Grump space. Barry caught my eye and flipped me off before putting down his equipment and leaving.

"Because I dropped a bomb in your lap," Dan replied, plopping down on the couch and pulling his incredibly long legs up underneath him.

"I mean, it was shocking, but I'm not mad about it. You did what you had to do to survive, there's no shame in that."

"I meant the fact that the one you were watching was mine."

"Oh. Nah, I'm not mad. Just confused."

His warm brown eyes searched mine for a moment and then he grinned hugely. "Thanks, Arin."

"Anytime, dude."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING: I suck at writing smut (hence no buttsex) but I tried my hardest and I'm really proud of it. Please let me know how I did!

We turned the game back on, and this time it took him about ten minutes to drop another bomb on me. "Hey Arin, do you want me to suck your dick?" I spat my drink all over the place and shoved the mic away from my face so I could cough without causing damage. Dan laughed hysterically as I wheezed and shut off the mics for the umpteenth time.

Once I finally stopped coughing, I wiped the liquid off the table and mic with my sleeve. "Now that I'm not dying, would you care to repeat that?"

He stopped laughing and his face went from amused to a combination of sexy and serious. He looked up at me through thick eyelashes and I swallowed hard.

"I said, do you want me to suck your dick?"

His voice had dropped so low that it was almost a rasp. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would explode. "God, you're serious," I whispered.

"As a heart attack," he replied in that same low voice. My hand was shaking as I ran it through my hair.

"I..."

"Yes or no, big cat." This one was a straight up growl, and instantly my jeans were far too tight. I met his eyes.

"Yeah," I choked.

He crawled across the couch towards me looking like my wildest wet dream. There was a smile on his face. He never took his eyes off of mine, making quick work of my fly and pulling my jeans out of the way. His long fingers tugged lightly on the waistband of my boxers. 

"Are you sure?" he asked softly. There was something so tender in his voice that I couldn’t help but smile a bit. I nodded—rational speech was pretty much out the window. He winked at me and finished pulling all barriers aside.

The first thing I registered was relief at not being confined anymore. That was quickly replaced by a fire in my stomach as Dan wrapped his hand around my dick and gave a few experimental tugs. I opened my mouth to make a sound, any sound, but quickly abandoned that idea and almost arched off the couch as he replaced his hand with his mouth, nestling his nose against my pubes in one swift motion.

My hand flew to his hair and tugged, earning me a delicious moan. Somewhere in my brain, I was amused at the fact that he had a hair pulling kink, but right then I was completely absorbed in his mouth on my cock, doing amazing things with his tongue and using his long neck to his advantage.

"Fuck, Danny," I gasped, pulling his hair a little tighter as he pulled off and swirled his tongue around the head. He was grinning at me, the little shit. 

"I like it when you call me that," he told me, using his hand while he talked. I was too busy admiring my gorgeous best friend jerking me off to reply right away.

"Jesus Christ, you're beautiful," I choked as he took me right back down his throat with a little hum. His eyes immediately flicked up to my face and he smiled around my cock. The sight was almost enough to finish me right then and there.

He decided to speed things up and picked up the pace, deepthroating me with a skill that I could only assume came with a lot of practice. Pretty soon I felt a familiar heat pooling in my gut and yanked sharply on his hair to warn him. He surfaced with an obscene popping sound and a moan at the hair tug. He grinned at me with the same charm that I'd known for years and continued jerking me off, watching with interest.

I came with a moan between clenched teeth over his fingers. He kept going, milking every last drop from me, before finally letting go. "Holy fuck, Danny," I panted, watching as he curiously licked his finger.

He got a tissue without saying anything, the smile gone from his face, and wiped off his hand and my leg. His touch was so gentle it was barely there. I pulled my jeans and boxers back into place and watched him clean himself up. He wouldn't look at me, instead focusing on throwing away the tissue and fixing his hair.

"Dan?" I said quietly.

"Yeah?" He replied, still not looking at me.

"Why did you offer if you didn't want to do it?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't update for like two months and then a shit ton in one day. Nice.

Silence reigned in the Grump space for several minutes as I watched him and he stared at the TV. Finally, he shook his head. "I don't wanna have this conversation right now, Arin. It's late. I'll see you tomorrow."

He was out the door before I could reply, letting the door slam shut behind him. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces.

His blowjob had been fantastic, sure, but I hated the fact that he'd asked without wanting to do it. It was basically non-consensual. I put my head in my hands and tried my best not to cry. Everything was falling apart around me and I had no way to stop it.

After a while, I accepted that there was no way we could use the footage and turned on the mics long enough to apologize to Barry before turning everything off. My head was pounding with the beginnings of a migraine and I really didn't want to lose another night of sleep. So it was with a heavy heart that I got in the car and drove home.

I wasn't used to seeing my house so dark and empty, and the thought of being so alone in such a big space made me feel sad and small.

I went inside and turned on as many lights as possible, trying to drive away the feeling of crushing loneliness. It didn't help that much.

I glanced at the clock. It was 3 AM in New York. I picked up the phone and dialed the number that I knew by heart and prayed that she would answer. 

"Mmf, what is it, Arin?" Suzy's drowsy voice filled the empty air.

"I'm so sorry, Suze. I fucked up. I wasn't cheating on you with Dan, I swear I wasn't, but shit went down today and he blew me and he didn't want to and I feel like I've raped him somehow, I don't want to hurt him but I think I love him and I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now." Letting that explode out of me made me feel better, but it also made me realize the gravity of the situation.

"Jesus Christ, Arin, I'm not even gone for a week and you fuck shit up. I know you didn't cheat on me, and I'm sorry for saying that you did," she admitted. "But I knew you loved him and it was the only way to get you to do something about it."

I looked like a fish, the way my mouth kept opening and closing with no sound coming out.

"As for what happened, I know you feel bad. But put that aside for now, because I guarantee Danny feels worse. His depression's been really bad recently."

The whole world ground to a halt underneath me, leaving me dizzy. "He... what? Depression?"

I heard her sit up. "You didn't know?"

"Uh, no?"

"Danny's had depression for years. Something fucked him up before we got to him, he's had a lot of issues."

_Two pornos, a thousand a piece. They make you do it at least three times to make sure they have the best shot._

I felt sick to my stomach. I now had high doubts that the other times had been consensual, or anything even close.

"I... I gotta go, Suze," I whispered.

I heard her sigh. "Take care of him, Arin. And take care of yourself."

"You too. Bye."

I don't think I've ever gotten to Dan and Barry's apartment that fast in my life. It was midnight.

I pounded on their door, heart in my throat, and Dan answered the door. I was completely disarmed when I saw him. He was in sweatpants and no shirt, showing off the lean dancer's body you could see in his performances and very dark, curly chest hair. His eyes were red and puffy, like he'd been crying, and hidden behind a pair of large glasses. His giant mane of curly hair was tied back in a very messy bun.

He looked as gorgeous as ever. My heart shattered.

Without saying anything, I pulled him down into a hug. I was hoping that the things I couldn't say out loud would travel through touch, that he'd understand how bad I felt and that I understood. He froze for a moment and then sank into the hug, wrapping his long arms around me and burying his face in the side of my neck.

Dan has always given the best hugs, especially since I'm shorter than he is and he bends down to wrap himself around me. But this hug was different. It felt like he was letting me support all of his weight, like he needed somebody to hold on to to keep from falling. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF PAST RAPE
> 
> This shit was so emotional to write, I'm sorry in advance.

"I'm sorry, Dan," I whispered. "I wish I'd known."

He didn't release me, instead squeezing tighter. I felt moisture on the side of my neck and instinctively brought my hand up to cradle the side of his head. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Barry poke his head out and then duck back in.

We stood there for a long time. My eyes were closed and my heart was rhythmically pounding itself into dust as I felt his tears soak the shoulder of my shirt. After what seemed like a moment and an eternity at the same time, I felt him relax a little. The tears dried, but he stayed there, squeezing me tightly and breathing against the skin of my throat.

Finally, he pulled away and wiped his glasses on his pant leg. 

"I'm sorry, I don't know why it got to me so bad," he said, voice hoarse from crying. My own eyes stung but I held back by force of sheer willpower. "God, I'm so out of it today, come on in."

I followed him into the little living room and sat across from him on the table.

He yanked the hair tie out and shook his curls back into his face so that he could run his hands through them anxiously. I waited, watching his face, seeing a side of him that I hadn't known existed until now. 

I wanted to hold him again, tell him that everything would be okay, but he had something to say and I would wait to hear it. I owed him that much.

"I lied when I said I'd done the porn because I needed money," he finally said quietly. "The money was a bonus to keep me quiet. I stripped for a little while in some clubs back then and got approached by some guys looking for a good time. I said no, they apologized and bought me a drink as a show of good faith."

My heart ached because I had a feeling that I knew exactly where this was going.

"They put some weird combination of drugs in that drink. I don't remember much besides not being able to walk right and being horny as all hell. I woke up in a room I didn't recognize, naked, with a couple cameras pointed at me. They kept me drugged up, but not too much, cuz they wanted me aware of it."

I could feel myself crying, but no sound was escaping. I wanted to say something, anything to comfort him, but my vocal cords were frozen.

"We did the pornos, both of them. And then they had some fun. When I stopped resisting, I wasn't fun anymore, so they gave me two grand and a month's worth of weed and threw me out on the streets. You picked me up six months later."

Silence dropped like a ton of bricks as I stared at him, tears streaming down my face, and he stared at the floor. 

I finally stood up and moved in front of him to kneel on the floor. His face was totally blank but his eyes were glistening. I reached up and cradled his face in both hands. He jumped a little at my touch, but let his eyes meet mine.

"You're not there anymore, Danny. You're here, with me, and you're loved and protected. I love you, goddamn it, and I'm never going to let you go."

His eyes never left mine and I saw a hint of a smile. "I'm not used to being loved. I'm used to being used and abused and left behind."

I used my thumbs to wipe away the tear tracks on his cheeks and he brought his hands up to cover mine and closed his eyes with a shuddering sigh. "I will never leave you behind," I promised.

"I know," he whispered, eyes still closed. I stood up and kissed the top of his head gently. 

"It's late, and you need some sleep. I'm crashing on your couch."

He gave a little smile. "Nah, our couch is worse than the one at the office. You can sleep with me."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I've got a queen, there's more than enough room."

I shrugged and followed him into his bedroom, which was decorated like a college student and made me smile. He dug out an extra pillow and blanket for me and we both flopped on the mattress, exhausted. The clock read 1 AM. 

I was almost asleep, back to him, when I heard him shift and mutter a little. He did it again a minute later, this time almost hitting me with how hard he twisted, and he said something I'll never forget: "Please don't, it hurts."

I rolled over in time to catch his arm before it hit me in the head and shook him. "Dan, wake up."

His eyes flew open in terror. "It hurts!"

I shook him harder and pulled him close to me to keep him from flailing. "Danny, wake up, it's just a nightmare. You're safe, I've got you. No one's hurting you."

It took him a moment, but eventually he regained awareness and realized where he was. He was shaking like a leaf in my arms. He sat up, pulling away from me, and swiped the hair out of his eyes, covered in sweat.

"Fuck. I'm sorry," he sighed after a while, staring out into the room. His bare shoulders were pale in the darkness and stood out starkly in the dim light from the moon shining through the window. I sat up as well and reached out, lacing his fingers with mine. 

We didn't say anything, just sitting there looking at our joined hands, as if they would solve the problems that we faced. He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.

We fell asleep facing each other, still holding hands, close enough to be tantalizing but not enough to make any more contact.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally can't stop and this plot is evolving as I write it. There's gonna be more smut soon. I am such trash.

I woke up to bright sunlight and something tickling my neck. I cracked open an eye and smiled. Dan had curled up into a ball around our still-joined hands, resting the top of his head under my chin. He was awake too, staring at our hands with a completely spaced-out expression.

I rubbed his knuckles with my thumb, bringing him back to awareness. "Morning, Arin," he said, looking up guiltily. I yawned. "Morning, Dan."

We laid there for a good ten minutes in peaceful silence, staring at our hands, time frozen as long as we didn't move. "Arin?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, Dan?"

"You said you loved me."

"I know I did. What about it?" My voice sounded way lighter than I felt. I didn't want rejection, especially this early in the morning, but his response shocked me.

"Why?"

"I... what do you mean, why?"

"Why do you love me? Why does anybody love me?" 

I thought about it for a minute. "Well, it's a simple answer. I love you because you're you. You're funny, smart, and kind. Your smile lights up the room and your laugh is infectious. You care for everyone with your whole heart and have given everything to help people who need you. You are the single most beautiful human being, inside and out, that I have ever met, and I love you."

He was quiet for a little while longer before talking again. "Why'd you pick me? You had Suzy."

"Suzy's been my best friend since we were fourteen. We were more like siblings than anything, and marriage seemed like the next best step. And then I met you, and got to know you, and the rest is history."

More silence.

"I don't have experience with being loved or returning it," he said after a while, sitting up and brushing the hair out of his eyes. I sat up as well and ran a hand through my own rat's nest. 

"That's okay. If you want to reciprocate, I'm patient. If you don't, that's okay too, I don't expect you to," I replied, turning a bit to grab my phone and check the time. "Jesus, it's almost noon."

He glanced over at me with a raised eyebrow. The sunlight made him glow a beautiful golden bronze, almost banishing the image in my head of his pale, hunched shoulders in the moonlight.  "And...?"

"We have an interview in an hour," I replied, climbing out of bed to throw myself in his shower. He swore and launched himself into the closet to try and find a pair of jeans that weren't dirty. I felt much better after letting the thermonuclear water wash away the grime and tears of the day before.

When I got out, Dan took my place, and I went out to the car to find the change of clothes that I kept under the seat. 

We ended up being about ten minutes late to the interview, but it was better than forgetting entirely. The afternoon ended up being a lot more fun than I'd thought, playing games that resulted in all players being covered in filth. 

"Oh my God, Arin, stop!" Dan laughed as I rubbed a handful of mud into his neck as payment for the glob sitting on top of my head.

"Never! Payback!" I crowed happily, ducking as he tried to hit me with more. 

"Remind me again how we ended up mud wrestling?" He was panting heavily and motioned for me to hold on for a minute. 

"Not sure," I replied, wiping off my face with the back of my hand. "But I need a shower."

"Me too. Ready to go?"

"Yeah. Do you want a ride back to your place or mine?"

The question hung like bait in front of wary fish. We both knew the implication of my question. "Yours," he said finally. "You have a bigger shower."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING: SUPER FLUFFY SMUT AHEAD (still no buttsex tho)
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to my best friend Tracey, because (even though this is going up late) it's her birthday today, and she is the best person in my life. It's because of her encouragement and criticism that this fic has even gotten this far, so please check out her stuff! She's suuuuper talented and I'm really proud of her! Her account is "EveryBTSShipIsMyMuseHelp"  
> Thank you!

I had to put towels down on my seats to keep the mud from making two very large stains and mentally consigned those towels to the trash bin. We got in the car and to my surprise, Dan reached over and hesitantly took my hand, lacing our fingers together like I had done the previous night. 

I couldn't stop smiling the entire ride back home as he absentmindedly traced shapes and letters on the back of my hand.

"Do you want to shower first, or should I?" I asked when we got inside.

He thought about it for a minute and then shrugged. "I will, I guess. It takes longer to wash my hair anyway."

He was in the shower for a long time, humming quietly to himself. After about twenty minutes, I had to go into the bathroom for some more laundry detergent.

"Dan, I'm coming in for a sec," I called.

"Go ahead," he replied.

I opened the door and almost had a heart attack. Dan hadn't bothered closing the curtain, so there he stood in all his naked glory, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. His head was tilted back under the steaming stream, eyes closed, chocolate curls flattened down his back while his long fingers worked the shampoo into his scalp.

My throat closed up and my pulse was very loud in my ears. Before I quite knew what I was doing, I stripped down and stepped in behind him. I half expected him to be upset, but he didn't even react. I reached up and replaced his hands with mine, rubbing the tips of my fingers over his scalp, and he leaned back into my touch with a small hum of contentment.

_I'm not used to being loved. I'm used to being used and abused._

I swallowed hard around the lump that formed in my throat and kissed the side of his neck on impulse. He jumped a little. I kissed just under that sharp jawline and this time he didn't jump, he leaned back far enough to rest his head on my shoulder, neck totally open to me. I took my hands out of his hair and put them gently on his bare hips as I kissed all over his neck and shoulder.

His skin was very warm and soft and lit a fire in my blood. "Do you trust me?" I murmured quietly into his ear. I watched him swallow and then nod almost imperceptibly, eyes still closed. I continued kissing his neck and began moving my hands that were on his hips. I felt him shiver as my fingertips grazed over his skin, grazing up his sides and over his stomach, tracing the muscles I could feel there. 

I reached down further and felt curly hair. I wrapped my hand around his semi-erect dick and began slowly jerking him off, still peppering him with kisses. He didn't know what it felt like to be loved and I desperately wanted to show him while reciprocating what he'd done for me the day before. 

I felt rather than heard the low moan escape his throat, more needy than anything, and couldn't help grinning. He was now fully hard in my hand and I could feel a few drops of precum when I slid my thumb over the head of his cock. My other hand was resting firmly on his stomach, fingers splayed, marking the pale skin as mine even though I knew it wasn't.

"Fuck, big cat," he growled. He reached up and laced his fingers with the hand still on his stomach. I could feel his hips thrusting a little into my hand and sped up a bit, enjoying the sensation of the smooth skin of his dick sliding across my palm. His head pressed harder into my shoulder and he clenched his jaw, making it stand out even more. 

"M'gonna..."

I bit down hard where his neck met his shoulder and he let out a deep rumble of a moan between gritted teeth as he came over my fingers and into the now-lukewarm stream of water. We stood there for a minute more. I kissed the already-darkening mark on his shoulder and then his cheek. "Get yourself cleaned up, Danny. You can stay here tonight."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really cute and written entirely in class :")

To my surprise, he refused to sleep in the master bedroom with me, instead choosing to take the couch. "Are you sure?" I asked, eyebrow raised. "My couch is really uncomfortable."

"Yeah, I'm sure," he replied quietly, accepting the blankets and pillow from me and turning away. The mark from my teeth stood out starkly against the pale skin of his neck and all of a sudden, I understood.

"Dan, are you upset with me for what happened earlier?" I asked cautiously. I watched him swallow hard and focus on making a bed on the couch. 

It took him an eternity to answer. "I... no, not really. I'm just confused, I guess. I need some time to figure shit out. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I get it," I responded, feeling a wave of relief. "Just remember what I said when we woke up." He gave me a little smile and flopped onto the couch with a sigh of exhaustion.

"Thanks," he said.

"No problem, dude."

The bed felt huge and empty, something that I wasn't used to, but the crushing loneliness was gone. I figured it was either because Suzy and I had made our peace or because the man I loved was passed out on my couch.

Morning came way too quickly and I woke up to something I couldn't quite place. I lay in the bright sunlight for a few minutes, trying to figure out what had woken me up. And then I heard it. 

Dan was singing softly to himself and doing something in the main part of the house. And just as I noticed it, I began to smell the faint aroma of... bacon? I got up and padded out to the kitchen.

Dan was making bacon and eggs in the pair of pajama pants that I'd let him borrow, pale back glowing in the sun shining through the window, curls tied back into a messy bun to keep them out of his face. From where I stood, I could see the look of total peace on his face as he flipped the eggs and sang a Green Day song. The mark on his shoulder had turned even darker purple and drew my eyes to it almost instantly.

He looked so calm, so _domestic_ , that my heart turned into a big puddle of goo. 

"Are you going to stand there and stare at me, or are you going to get some plates? The eggs are done."

I could feel my cheeks turning bright red and I got out a pair of mismatched plates. I put them by Dan's hand and gently kissed the bite on his shoulder, making him jump again, before getting out some forks and the orange juice.

He looked much better than he had two days earlier. It looked like something had been lifted off of his shoulders, the way he grinned and laughed at me being an idiot as always. He seemed almost back to normal.

"How'd you sleep?" I asked finally. He finished his bite of toast and shrugged. 

"I mean, your couch is better than mine, but it's lacking in some areas. Specifically length," he replied, and snorted when I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "How did _you_ sleep?"

"I'm not used to an empty bed," I replied simply. "Even if we didn't love each other, I always had someone's company. Now I don't."

He nodded a little bit, deep in thought. I washed the dishes while he dried them and put them away. It took a while for him to talk again. "Hey Arin?"

Last time he'd said that, I'd been blown on the game couch. Yikes.

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

Not again...

"Of course, Dan. What's up?"

He sat on the counter, legs swinging, a few curls dangling in his face as he bit his bottom lip. "I think I'm bi."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, this is the beginning of the end. I can't keep doing filler updates, so I'm gonna finish this up in the next few updates and move to another fic. My heart will always belong to this fic, and I hope you enjoy the direction I've chosen to go!

"Okay, and?" I replied, shutting the door to the cabinet. "You say that like you think it would surprise me."

His eyebrows flew up towards his hairline. "Really?"

"Dan, you talk about getting drilled by a male celebrity every week. You also blew me on the game couch," I snickered. He grinned. 

"Right. I forget how... uh, gay I get on Grumps sometimes," he said with a shrug. "Well, now you know for sure."

"Is there any particular reason you're mentioning this now?"

"Well, I figured that I probably should, since I did blow you on the game couch and you jerked me off in the shower," he said dryly, making me snort. 

"I can't argue with that," I replied. "I'm bi as well. I came out when I was fifteen. Thank you for telling me, by the way."

"You of all people deserved to know." He ducked his head, blushing, and I grinned at him. 

"Aw, Danny, are you getting all bashful on me now?" He reached out and smacked the back of my head and we laughed, releasing the tension in the room. 

This became something close to the norm for the next few weeks. We'd film Game Grumps, then go back to either his place or mine and eat. Sometimes one of us would spend the night, other nights we went our separate ways. It was easily the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced in my life.

I wanted him, God damn it. In every sense of the phrase. He'd kind of put up a barrier since our adventure in the shower, refusing to really touch me or make eye contact. I was so fucking fed up that, two months later, I'm not entirely shocked that I snapped.

I was already in a pretty crappy mood when I got to the Grump space, having woken up from a dream involving a sinful mouth and hooded brown eyes and unable to get this dream out of my head. I tossed my jacket on the table and opened the door to the recording room to find Dan in there already, engrossed in an animated discussion with Ross over something.

My throat closed and every drop of blood in my head went straight south. Dan had, apparently, just finished filming something, because he was wearing what I can only describe as leather goth clothing. Skintight black jeans, a black v-neck t-shirt, a leather jacket and combat boots complete with the stubble he hadn't shaved and heavy eyeliner.

"Oh hey, Arin. We were just talking about you," he said cheerfully, sunny smile contrasting everything else about him.

"Uh huh," I managed, speaking around the blockage in my throat. Ross excused himself and both he and Barry left for their lunch break, leaving us alone in the recording room. I knew I was being rude by staring, but Christ, he looked delicious.

He stared right back, looking amused but slightly alarmed. "Uh, Arin?"

I don't think I've ever moved that fast in my life, and I doubt I ever will again. One minute we were standing about five feet apart from each other, the next I had him pinned to the wall by his hips, biting a little too hard at his throat.

His hands came up to my chest and gave a half-hearted push, but quickly gave up and tilted his head to the side with a choked gasp.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Danny," I growled against his skin. I could feel the leather collar growing warm from my breath and I wormed my hands up under his shirt to splay my hands over his ribs. "You're so beautiful."

"Arin-"

"I know I told you that I'd be patient, but I can't keep this up. You won't even look at me most days, and then you come in looking like every fantasy I've ever have..." I sounded defeated, even to myself, and I mentally kicked myself.

He choked on his own breath as I sucked another hickey into his neck, kissing gently over the bruising area and rubbing my thumbs back and forth over the skin of his ribcage.

"Arin, I can't-"

"Do you want me or not?"

I pulled away to look him in the face. His pupils were blown wide, his cheeks were flaming red. He bit his lip. "Fuck, Arin, you realize how hard it is to admit this shit after years of shoving it out of my head?"

"Oh yeah, I know full well. I had to do it too. Now answer me—do you want me?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. This is the ending. I hope it ended the way you hoped! I had a lot of fun writing this and I'm really sad that it's over, but it needed to end at some point. Thank you for all your support, please comment and let me know what you thought!

The silence hung for a second before he released the breath he was holding. "Always, big cat."

"Then kiss me," I whispered.

Immediately, as if he'd been waiting for permission all along, his hands came up to frame my face and he tilted my head back and kissed me with a passion I had no idea he had.

His lips were soft and he tasted like Skittles. His hands tightened around my face and his long fingers moved back a little to get a hold in my hair. My whole body was on fire and I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but kiss him back. I'm pretty sure if you'd asked me, I wouldn't have been able to tell you my own name.

He kissed me like a starving man eating food for the first time. We stood there for an eternity, but really only a minute or two, before somebody coughed from the doorway and brought us back to reality with a bump. I felt a little dizzy and let my head rest on Dan's shoulder while I caught my breath and he looked over at whoever had come in. I felt him snicker.

"Hiya, Suzy."

My head snapped up so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. Sure enough, there stood Suzy, grinning at us from her position just inside the door. "Uh..."

"Hey guys. Figured I'd drop in and say hi, see how you were doing, make sure you guys got together. Congrats, by the way," she said with a smile. I felt my face turn bright red and I tried to pull away a little, only to find that while she'd been talking, Dan's hands had snuck down to grab hold of my belt loops, and I couldn't move. 

"Thanks," he replied, grinning back. He looked a little dazed himself, but definitely not as out of it as I was. 

"Thanks, Suze," I said, running my free hand through my hair awkwardly. My other hand rested on the hip that wasn't visible from the door, but she seemed to know exactly where it was because she winked at me. 

"You're welcome, boys. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lunch date with my mom."

She left and we were left in awkward silence for a moment, still a little shocked, until Dan started laughing and turned my head to kiss me again, softer this time, less intense. This time I took my hands off of his hip and ribcage and tangled my fingers in his thick hair, feeling the soft curls slip over my skin. The kiss turned a little more heated when I gave a little tug, earning a little moan and a lip bite in return. This hair-pulling kink of his was a blessing.

"You realize we still have to film Grumps, right?" He asked eventually. I sighed and let go of his hair. 

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Go pick a game, would you?" He kissed my forehead, taking advantage of his height, and went to the game shelf. My phone buzzed with a text from Suzy- "You might want to strangle Ross. Check Twitter."

I opened Twitter to see hundreds of tweets congratulating us on getting together. At the top of my feed was Ross' tweet: a picture of Danny and I, with my hands up his shirt and his fingers in my hair, kissing like there was no tomorrow. His caption was "Just wait until Brian hears about this one. Congrats guys!"

"Ross!" I yelled, scaring Dan. "I'm going to kill you when we're done recording! Write out a fucking will."

He didn't respond, but I could hear him and Barry laughing. Dan read over my shoulder and calmly went out there. "Guys, we wanted to tell them on our own terms. Thank you for being an asshole and outing us before we were ready."

I couldn't hear Ross' response, but it sounded decently remorseful, so I didn't bother getting up. I turned on the recording stuff as Dan came back in and flopped across the couch, landing his head in my lap. "Hey everybody, welcome to Game Grumps!" He said cheerfully as I started the game up.

"Hey guys. Ross is an asshole," I said with a laugh. 

"Yeah, so, by the time this comes out everyone and their moms will know how gay we are for each other, so we might as well say it on an episode," he replied.

"Oh yeah, full confession time."

"Full confession? Okay. I blew Arin on the couch and he jerked me off in the shower, and then we spent ten minutes making out just now. Also, he has a leather kink."

I wheezed laughing for a second. "He's not wrong. I discovered that a good portion of you fangirls are right—he loves to have his hair pulled and has a very high pain tolerance."

From the back room, we could hear Ross and Barry gagging, making us laugh even more. 

"Hey, on the bright side, at least we can stop getting hundreds of comments asking if we're gay or not," he said after a while. "The answer is yeah, we're both bisexual, we get boners for each other and everything."

I snickered and ran my hand through his hair during the cutscene. "What a wild concept."


End file.
